WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 2 of 3)


Discovering those beautiful diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness while mining my rejection!

PART 2 OF 3

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 1 of 3)

I questioned my mother’s love for me…

Mother didn’t drive for many years when we were young and with dad working around the clock, mom walked us to a country church we attended one block away from home.HOUSE on Brook Drive

Behind our mother we ducklings followed single file behind her to our neighborhood lighthouse for Christ.

There was a season years later when mother stopped going to church, yet our love for God kept us walking.

Mother’s six kids all walked an isle of salvation following in water baptisms, and passing on a passion for Jesus to their families.CHURCH - 1st Baptist Church of South Haven

SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

As an adult looking back on my life, I wish I had “seen things more clearly” while growing up with my four sisters and brother.Lori Siblings

Surrounded in a house with five other siblings, there were many opportunities to be selfish.  Children tend to see their cup half full, but now as an adult I know my cup had always overflowed, realizing I had more of everything money couldn’t buy, and that was having each other.

If only our eyes could naturally magnify the treasures of life.  If only our naked eye could see the “little things that matter”.  Too bad life doesn’t issue a pair of glasses that allows us to “see things more clearly”.

I think back then and smile remembering those late night talks with the two sisters I shared a room with, while trying to get the attention of the other two down the hall.  Or the times our brother conned us into doing his chores, promising his allowance, though never paying like he said.  I guess we girls just loved to make our only brother happy.

Then there were our countless meals around the table, always sitting in the same exact seat.  It was this sacred time spent together where the memories we now tell our own children were made.

SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY (excerpt end)

For years, mother sent her children to church camp to experience Jesus and outdoor cabin living.

One summer in 1973, and even though I always loved God, I finally surrendered my life to Him at camp with the scripture:

That if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Romans 10:9 AMPChurch Camp

Summer Camp – 1973
(I am standing on the top row, last on the right)

Looking at this younger version of myself back at summer camp, I wish I could talk to her and warn her with flashing lights of things to come. With eyes visibly shut, I want so bad to sound the alarm and awaken her spirit, because in four short years, a teenager’s journey is about to take a dangerous turn.

Her parents will divorce and six months after that, an innocent sixteen year old is startled from a deep sleep and jolted to a horrific nightmare of attempted rape by her mother’s second husband.

A horror flick in black and white without sound and not a soul able to hear my screams; I was too terrified and frozen in fear to cry out.

Why Lord? Why?

The scriptures remind…

In the world ye shall have tribulation;
But be of good cheer; for I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 KJV

In days, weeks and years to come, I was comforted in a Father’s promise…

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted…
Psalm 34:18 ESV

The Lord indeed was near and intervened in my rescue before the nightmare played out its final scene of terror.

A few days later my sister and I found refuge at our newly married sister’s house with our younger sister living now with dad, closing the door of home behind three young girls forever as our mother asked us to leave.HOUSE on Fox River Rd

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

THE SIGHTS OF MARRIAGE…

After eleven years of marriage, I found myself a devastated single mother raising a baby girl and little boy in a two bedroom apartment located in a government housing community.  I never wanted to be divorced.

I was on my own for the very first time in my young life of twenty-eight years.

My family helped me unpack and put everything away on moving day; albeit I didn’t have much.

After the last family member left for home following the move, the sound of prison doors shut in my heart.

A few hours prior, I left behind the peace and tranquility of life in the country; and now my new residence in the city was deafening to my ears with the fire station nearby.914DBD72-2889-4CE0-95C2-B65C899067E3

A glimmer kept me hopeful though as my initial lease allowed the contract to be broken without reason before the first thirty days expired.

Surely my husband would return for his wife, baby girl and little boy when the silence echoed in every room of the house from our absence.

Yet, the showers of a broken heart flooded my soul after our thirtieth day in the apartment lapsed.  He never came back for us.

This government apartment would become our new address for the next five years.CANDY JAKE 007

It’s time to get off the bus now for a moment and stretch our legs.

This part of the tour is complete and you might be wondering why we stopped here in this town recently devastated by a Kentucky tornado; in particular, this house whose roof was relocated somewhere else in the neighborhood.

Feeling like I lost everything; my home, my marriage, my self-worth; I needed to be reminded when Jesus is all you have left, you come to realize Jesus is all you need.

Seated at his piano following this Kentucky tornado, a man named Jordan Baize comforts himself after losing his earthly possessions by playing the song,

There’s Just Something About That Name.

Let’s gather around the piano with him and sing…

THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THAT NAME

By Bill and Gloria Gaither

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus;
There’s just something about that name.
Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim
Kings and kingdoms will all pass away,
But there’s something about that name.Piano player

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?  

BE ENCOURAGED, THE VICTORY LAP IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

Part 3 TO BE CONTINUED…

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 3 of 3)


Discovering those beautiful diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness while mining my rejection!

PART 3 OF 3

https://applesofgoldencouragement.blog/2023/05/11/whats-wrong-with-me-by-lori-a-alicea-part-1-of-3/

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 2 of 3)

All Aboard!

God has taken his seat on the bus and the VICTORY LAP begins with our new Tour Guide ready to reveal the bigger picture of my life with every site we re-visit.

The old hymn we six siblings sang in harmony together while seated side by side on the wooden pew of the old country church our mother walked us to begged to burst forth from my soul, “OH VICTORY IN JESUS!”  

There is about to be an exchange of…

BEAUTY FOR MY ASHES.

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.
The oil of joy instead of mourning,
And a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair….
Isaiah 61:3 NIV

With shovels and pick axes in hand, we are entering the mine of my rejection, about to discover those beautiful and precious diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness.

As we think on those things which are…

Of a good report…

Of virtue…

And are praiseworthy.

Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of a good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Scripture Philippians 4:8 KJV

Mining for answers of all my questions, our Senior Pastor counsels his flock to turn around and look back a generation or more to understand the “whys” in our life, because the…

Iniquities of the fathers are visited upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.
(Exodus 20:5)

Without God, history repeats itself as fathers bequeath to their children and children’s children the tainted wells of their life as an inheritance for the generations beyond them to drink from.  Pastor also encourages us to “stop up and close off” for good those old wells of bitter water and dig anew that we might leave a (spiritual) inheritance to his children’s children to draw from instead.
(Proverbs 13:22)

Sadly, I found the answers to my “whys” while digging three generations back.

Not wanting to face this part of the tour alone, I found it comforting to share my seat of VICTORY with the (memory) of two other innocent girls whose pages of their childhood story were drenched and stained from those tears of sorrow similar to mine; my sisters Belinda and Mary.siblings belinda mary

 Together, we will hold each other’s hands from across the seat and look through the “windows of our past” without being afraid anymore, because God is about to reveal the scenes and details He was fully present in, though we were unaware.

 I take this VICTORY LAP for my daughters and granddaughters and also for my two sisters who suffered this part of their life in silence, that their legacy gain their wings for their daughters and granddaughter who continue the journey beyond their mother’s and grandmother’s life.

Reading our story, one might ask themselves, “Why does a loving God allow such heartache on innocent girls?”  Our good daddy replies to His daughters,

“It rains on the just and the unjust.”  (Matthew 5:45)

While God never promised a life without us “getting wet” from the tragedy’s of the world, He did promise to hold the umbrella and weather the storm with us.

THE SIGHTS OF GROWING UP Revisited…

Re-visiting our childhood home, I soon discover God’s hand of protection on our life when mother asked us girls to find another place to live following the assault from my step-dad, as our family home caught fire some time later and the flames began and ignited from my childhood room.

I was also heartbroken to discover my mother’s parents drank from the well of abandonment when as a baby, my grandmother left my mother in the crib to cry for hours without comfort as my grandmother left her alone during the evenings of dating.

My mother’s unrelenting cries of hunger and desperation for her mother’s arms could be heard and felt from the open windows of the neighbors, who offered no assistance to a child left alone.

Wanting also to hold and protect my mother close when I realize there were relatives in her life who drank from the well of sexual abuse.

The iniquities of the parents visit the third and fourth generations.
(Exodus 20:5)

After forty-plus-years I was finally brave enough to dig for answers regarding the man who assaulted an innocent girl while she slept.

A faithful Father protected and spared His daughter that night from the evils of my step-father when I discovered he left a party a few years later and raped two women at knife point; although the charges were never upheld in court.

My Pastor always reminded us,

Without God, we are all capable of the unthinkable.”

Though divorced by this time from my mother and decades since we last saw our step-father, he now lay in the hospital bed and within days of his death, my mother worried of his salvation.

As it is not God’s will that any should perish, but have everlasting life, my mother made a difficult request of us adult children to visit and say our final good-byes to him at his hospital bedside.

 Believing love never fails, we trusted our kindness might stir man’s heart for eternity.

Not forgetting our roots and heritage to a child’s promise of blessing in honoring their parents, even the office of mother and father when the emotions are too painful; we adult children visited our step-father with a pure heart to honor him in our final farewell.

Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV

Taking in the final days of this man I once knew as step-dad, who now struggled and gasped to breathe for a single sip of coffee, the difficult memories I carried for decades in my heart’s pocket became a mere blur to this unknown person bloated at the abdomen, dying from emphysema.

Noticing the well wishes on the night stand for my step-father caught me off guard and took my breath to realize they were greeting cards the grandchildren gave him years ago when they were little.

We were the only family this broken man had ever known.

Born as an innocent boy with a story being written from the same God and pen in His hand who was also writing mine, yet still a boy on the inside who was never loved to life; as his own father drew from the well of alcoholism and child abuse.

We children honored this man and our mother by attending his funeral.

The blessings were ours for the taking in our honoring.

Regarding my mother, I grew up without ought or an unforgiving heart towards her; how could I?  She was a woman who introduced me to Jesus by taking me to church, sending me to camp, joining us at Vacation Bible School and so much more.

The same Jesus who forgives me of my trespasses when we forgive those who trespass against us. (Matthew 6:12)

Yet sadly, I don’t believe my Mother ever forgave herself or moved beyond the ash heap of ground zero from the spiritual fires her choices cost her family.

 I grieve for mom and my sisters Mary and Belinda who left this earth suffering in the silences of their past when God longed to touch their brokenness with the healing salve of a Fathers’s love.

We each hold keys to the gates which unlock those secret places we dare not allow any to trespass; but we must be willing to relinquish and surrender these entrances of our lives for freedom’s sake.

Mother looked at me for the remainder of my life without her glasses, never noticing how God turned my mourning into dancing, gave me beauty for my ashes, how God made something beautiful out of my life.

I QUESTIONED MY MOTHER’S LOVE FOR ME revisited.

Four years before my mother died, her address changed to a nursing home and I offered to pack up her house. Before the details of my mother’s life was photographed and chronicled on a spreadsheet for future gifting to her heirs, I asked the Lord a question while sitting in my mother’s chair.

ME AND MOTHER’S BOXES (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Lord, is there anything among my mother’s things that you want to give me?

We didn’t grow up with riches, but we were rich in ways money could never afford. Any lose ends from the fray of my memory have been tied in a bow, leaving only good thoughts under the cloak of my childhood.Lori Siblings

I needed God to complete the sentence relationship of mother and me with not a “period”, but possibly a heart emoji, a kiss of the heart, or a gift of affection.

Sixty-five boxes in total. I held in my hands the last remaining treasure among mother’s sixty-five boxes.
Boxes 3
An old jewelry box filled with mother’s mismatched pieces of costume necklaces, earrings, rings and broaches, jewelry I remember mother wearing vividly when I was growing up. A jewelry box displayed on her bedroom dresser, a familiar piece I cleaned for decades as mother’s housekeeper. I knew it well.

The hidden finds inside this jewelry box rewinds the 8mm collections of me as a child playing dress up with mother’s baubles and beads.

I sigh…I take a breath…There it was.

Like an old photograph buried in the dust of time prompting a double-take and closer view, I stopped in the moment to remember.

Held in my hands a gift from God, bewildered I hadn’t noticed it during my years as mother’s housekeeper, even more bewildered this gift was in plain sight during the packing.

A sweet sixteen present from her mother and father, A birthday celebration for my mother, A beautiful watch with the inscription and sentiment I had never read before, “To Our Loving Daughter”.

Beholding this gift up close I knew without question, God didn’t want to give me treasures, God wanted to give me words, God longed to breathe these words of affirmation upon my life, “To Our Loving Daughter.” Most endearing of all was the phrase, “To Our”, received as two people, my mother and father, my heavenly Father.

God redeemed our relationship symbolically with a watch (gift of time, my love language) that was given on my mother’s sweet 16 (about age I was when the incident with my step-father happened. The watch face was broken, but God redeemed my sweet 16 with the inscription on the other side.
Anniversary picture
ME AND MOTHER’S BOXES (excerpt ends)

I QUESTIONED MY FATHER’S LOVE FOR ME… (revisited)

Mining my life of rejection through the relationship with my father, God revealed to me how dad drew from a dry well and couldn’t quench my thirst for love and affirmation.

As an adult, I found enough grace for dad and his “lack to see me”. I soon questioned in secret, “What affirmations failed to be poured into that little boy’s life who one day became my dad?”

COMING TO TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Aware through a cancer scare years prior to his actual graduation to heaven, I feared the uncertainty of his days and losing dad without him hearing how I felt.  So, after Thanksgiving one year, I decided to surrender in an advent calendar, titling it “Twenty Five Things My Dad Did Right”.

As a parent myself I strive to give my kids the best of me, though acknowledging I’ve made my share of mistakes.  Having grace for his, I decided for every day leading up to December 25, I’d give dad a gift of my appreciation.

Opening up a daughters treasure chest, I wondered if there were 25 memories tucked away.  But in turning the key to my heart, I marveled at what I had saved.

Like running into the kitchen each Sunday afternoon from church, faithfully finding that one piece of toast dad hadn’t eaten for breakfast.  I always believed he left it for me.

Or realizing after graduating from high school and college just how smart dad really was, though never receiving either diploma.  Dad could fix anything, and I truly admired that.

How could I forget dad adoring me in my wedding dress, setting aside his pain as we had buried grandma earlier that morning.

Christmas, when it came, dad declared he’d received the best gift of his life, presenting the advent calendar to us all.  “Tis the season” as dad seemed to stand a little taller, dad seemed to come to life.

The bells of Christmas rang a new message for me that year.  Maybe dad was never daddies little boy and couldn’t give me a love he hadn’t known.  When dad came to life that holiday season, I believe this little girl did the same.

COMING TO TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (excerpt end)

Weeks leading up to my father’s passing, I kept thinking of Jacob’s story from the Bible who gathered his sons around the death bed where he blessed them individually.

I also longed a father’s blessing.
dads house 4
A FATHER’S BLESSING (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Bless me father.”

Oh, that you would bless me.”

Visiting dad for what would be my last day to see him alive and heartbroken over dad’s visible frailty and sagging T-shirt hanging over his protruding bones, I began to lose hope of a Father’s Blessing. But unbeknownst to me, a blessing awaits its reveal.

There’s one fact I’m certain about God my heavenly father, he loves his little girls. No matter her age, weight, social status, marital status, degrees or lack thereof, etc., God is smitten with his girls.

God smitten with “this little girl” heard my prayer that summer and answered me days before my father’s death in a small but impactful way; not at my father’s bedside, but kitchen table instead.

God’s choice of the kitchen table for a Father’s Blessing tied years of my fondest memories, as at this table dad handed out our Christmas gifts each December.  I loved that my heavenly father chose this memory backdrop and used the same chair dad sat in for years during our Christmas exchanges to bless me.
xmas at dads
Seated around the table were me and my dad, my step-sister and dad’s caregiver. Just having small talk, dad asked his caregiver to help him up and assist dad to his room. Back in his seat, dad handed me a framed letter and asked, “Would you please read this to me?”

Not a crier by nature, I fought to compose myself when dad asked me to read a Father’s Day gift I gave him a year ago. Always drawing a blank when buying dad’s gifts, that Father’s Day I felt led from God to honor my dad’s military service; a conversation we never had; but I never asked either.

Accompanied with a flag that Father’s Day, I never seen dad so emotional.

We are told by God to give Honor to whom honor is due. (Romans 13:7)

Honor was due my father; an accumulation of years due.

These same framed words dad gave back to me and asked me to read at his funeral.
IMG_3715Dear Dad,

For 54 years I have celebrated you as my dad and all that you have sacrificed and contributed to my life. You have been a great provider. You have protected me when I have needed you to. You are always a phone call away. And you have been a friend throughout the years.

But the one attribute of my father that I have not celebrated until today is your service in the military. Until I became a mom with a son serving in the military, did I fully appreciate the sacrifices of a member in the military.

I am sad to say I know nothing about your time in the navy, but that’s because I never asked. But I do know you actively served, and for that, I salute you today and thank you for

SERVING YOUR COUNTRY FOR OUR FREEDOM.

I am giving you this gift as my way of saying thank you for your service.

Happy Father’s Day

Love, Lori and David

You may be wondering, “Is that it! Is that your Father’s Blessing?”

The true Father’s Blessing revealed itself during the packing up of dad’s house.

Sadly dad “said a lot again” when we kids realized there wasn’t a single picture, card or memento saved and left behind of dad’s six kids, or crowd of grand-kids and great-grand-kids. Not one.

Except the letter of mine that dad framed and hung in the entrance of his room.

I won’t add to dad’s heart as his heart was a locked door for most of our relationship. But a Father’s Day present became a Father’s Day Blessing that summer of 2016.

An added bonus discovered deep in my father’s attic was his old fashioned lunch pail, a true treasure I kept to remind myself what a “standard of excellence” looks like.
IMG_3716
Dad was buried with Military Honors. In death our father received the military honor due him in life.

During the years that an earthly father “didn’t see” her, a little girl;

A heavenly father couldn’t take His eyes off of her.

A Father’s Blessing I am truly aware of when I sleep and when I slumber.

If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? Luke 12:28 Message

A FATHER’S BLESSING (excerpt end)

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

I’ve been asking this question most of my life to myself, but sadly, I never inquired of the Lord.

The Father answers a daughter’s question, though not with rebuke, but with love and gentleness as a good daddy does.

“Daughter, you been asking the wrong question all these years.  Instead, I long you to ask of your Father, WHO AM I IN CHRIST?  And then He answers…

THE GOD WHO SEES (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

You knit me in my mother’s womb,
And wonderfully I’m made.
Created me so fearfully,
The days you watched, you stayed.

Not hidden in this secret place,
Your works, I praise for these.
Your eyes they saw my unformed self,
You are the God who sees.

How precious are your thoughts of me,
More than the grains of sand.
My days are written in your book,
One mind can’t understand.

You see me when I sleep at night,
You see when I’m awake.
You are the God who sees it all,
You see each breath I take.

Yes, I am yours and you are mine,
My heart, you have the keys.
You’ve drawn me Oh Beloved One,
You are the God who sees.

Psalms 139; Genesis 16:13; Solomon 6:3

I have grown into a woman fully aware of the love God has for me.

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with loving kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

So, what about that red hair, green eyes and face full of freckles?
ALICEA David Lori
I asked the question years later in my life, and it’s amazing when you ask the simple questions God longs to hear, the answers He generously gives.

Our good Father whispered and pointed to the mirror of my reflection:

Oh daughter, your red hair is a gift from me; only 2% of little girls are strawberry blonde; red hair with green eyes are even more uncommon.

And those freckles…God leans in close to tell me a secret…

Your mother told you those freckles were kisses from the S U N.

Well actually, your freckles are sweet kisses from my S O N.

All grown up when I could have changed my hair to any color in the rainbow, I kept the gift God gave me…
David and Lori together 3
Yes, God is so good to me.  As a child I sang in Sunday School those exact words:

GOD IS SO GOOD By Paul Makai

God is so good.  God is so good.  God is so good.  He’s so good to me.

God is a good Father to all His children.  He longs for His sons and daughters to climb on His lap and lean into His love.

He even blessed me with a Cinderella love story in marriage nearly twenty-nine years ago. wedding all kids

At our 25th Anniversary Wedding Vow Renewal we sang the words of a good and faithful God:

The faithfulness and goodness of God has followed me my whole life.  The faithfulness and goodness of God has followed you too.

I want my daughters and granddaughters and girls and women alike to rejoice in the God who made them fearfully and wonderfully…

Missing teeth and all…

THE GOD WHO SEES (excerpt ends)

Rosalee praising Jesus

Thank you to everyone who found a seat on this tour and “lifted me up” with your presence as my honored guest.

 It was in the turning and sharing of these tear stained pages of my story that I might give hope to someone else who suffers in silence.

What was intended for my harm, God turned it around and used it for my good.  (Genesis 50:20)

CELEBRATING FORTY…By Lori A Alicea

Only forty seconds old and you changed my life forever.

It’s a boy!”

During those forty seconds after you took your first breath at 5:55 pm on February 24, 1983, a ninth month surprise announces I’ve given birth to a baby boy.

Forty years ago there were no routine ultra sounds or gender reveals to prepare a parent or nursery in advance for a child’s arrival.

Yet, while carrying this miracle inside of me, a mother dreams and wonders through her babies kicks, rolls, sleeps and hiccups, introducing herself as she rocks, reads and sings to the child she has to herself for forty beautiful weeks.

At twenty-two years of age and enduring twelve long hours of natural labor, I held in my arms a baby boy wrapped in a blanket; wrapped in my heart.BABY 1

A few weeks after your birth, your parents vowed to raise you in the wisdom and admonition of the Lord, dedicating back and recognizing you as the gift from God from which He gave.

Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord.
Luke 2:22 NIVDEDICATION 1

Mother’s never count, but those kisses, hugs, stories, and midnight watches in her math, calculates at a minimum, forty times a million throughout your lifetime.

In a child’s short life, a mother begins to feel the tug and letting go of her heartstrings, when forty rollovers become forty scoots, which become forty crawls into forty steps; a slow progression thru the years when a child finds and gains his wings from the nest he calls home.BABY 6

Sharing the nest with his sister five years younger than he, our son’s personality and plan on his life as well as hers, began to unfold before our eyes.

Approximately forty hours of teaching each week over the school year for the next twelve, it was evident in a mother’s blink through the yearbook; our baby boy was growing up.

SCHOOL 9

Those first few steps you took when learning to walk became miles and miles away from our grip. Yes, letting go is inevitable, but the evidence before my eyes was raw and real for this mother to process.

Letting go, meant letting God!”

Words I’d embrace on my knees as our son drove up the two acre drive way heading for college, not realizing at the time this picture was taken, home for him would never be our address, as a series of graduations would re-locate our son from one corner of the map to the other.7D333E29-7935-43F5-B4D4-8CE8BAC7F3A3

Home for our son now grown into this handsome man a mother hardly recognizes from the child she gave life to, is the United States military, for which he proudly serves.

Looking back in the rear view mirror of my son’s forty years of life, as delighted as I am of his accomplishments, he still remains my son, the accolade I am most proud.

A four generational picture honors the roots of our son, for which he celebrates.

Then, there’s the crazy, free spirited son of ours who continues to enjoy life into adulthood…

On his favorite childhood toy…

By not cutting his hair for twelve months in college…HAIR 3

By climbing a mountain with his best friend, without a guide and in a snowstorm….MT RANIER

By becoming a third generation bee-keeper, though highly allergic to bees…

By surfing among the sharks when stationed in Hawaii…

Yes, our free spirited son has lived a life of accomplishment and adventure; yet our greatest joy is embracing him as our son, and now father bringing adventure to four children of his own.

Today, our son Jacob James C England celebrates his fortieth birthday. A mother can hardly believe it when his first birthday celebration seems like yesterday.BIRTHDAY 2013 jake as little boy and his cake

Forty years of time is now behind you son, and forty years (plus) of road waits in front of you with a blank itinerary to be mapped out.
TIME - Say goodby
If I could wrap and present a gift to you on this milestone birthday of yours, it’d be the same words of wisdom I’ve been speaking since you were born…

Never forget what the Lord has done for you.

Praise the Lord for the favor, the abilities, the knowledge, the opportunities, your salvation, for which He has generously given.

Praise the Lord for the good land he has given you.
Do not forget the Lord,
Obey his commands,
That your heart won’t become proud.
(Deuteronomy 8)

18But remember the Lord your God,
For it is He who gives you the ability to produce wealth…
Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV

A BIRTHDAY BLESSING FROM YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER…

May the Lord bless you with favor and protection.  May the Lord be pleasing, merciful and compassionate towards you, bestowing His approval and peace over your life.

The Lord bless you
And keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you
And be gracious to you,
The Lord turn his face toward you
And give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26 NIV

We love you son.

Celebrating Forty…

BIRTHDAY 2

FAITHFUL TO OUR POST  By Lori A Alicea

It was just an ordinary weekend almost two weeks ago.

Beginning Saturday, a training session for the serve team volunteers at my church, although most would agree “A Day at the Emmy’s” minus the fanfare.

Awards…
Trophies…
Prizes…
Speeches…
Catered lunch…

Glam table touches of Valentine sparkle and chocolates…

Obviously missed were the couture dresses, swag bags and the paparazzi…

But great appreciation overflowed from leadership hearts towards those diligently committed each week for the sole reason of honoring God by serving his people.

Then Sunday came…

The serve team took their place as they do week after week; not for accolades, not for fame; just a servant’s heart to be found faithful to their post.

Chuck was no different.
He attended the Day at the Emmy’s.  E0E058B9-5B47-434E-9705-2224B3E5D3E0Facebook photo from Rachael Tucker

He was seen serving the very next day at church.

A true patriot; Chuck was faithful to God, family and flag, who never went AWOL to his post.

Chuck could always be found…

Leading worship in our life-group on Tuesday evenings…

Keeping the church safe through the undercover security team on Sundays…

Fathering and loving his family no matter the day…8E28E386-42CF-4AE0-AA18-A355E49E70E9Facebook photo from Ken Steorts

If Chuck was needed for any reason at all, look no further than at his post.

Yet, when Tuesday came only two days later, his post was found unattended, unmanned by our patriot, as Chuck had taken a brand new post in heaven.

With no warning to prepare for, God received a committed servant for Himself.

During the home-going service honoring Chuck as a veteran of the faith that he was, I kept remembering a man who showed up week after week, with my final sighting of him standing at the sanctuary’s entrance, praising God while keeping his post.F14E4995-A149-48E3-B25D-DD6322F16F5F

When our appointed time comes as it did for my friend, 

Let it be said of us from those who’ve been watching…

Our heirs…
Our family…
Our co-workers…
Our friends…
Our God…
Those unaware to us…

That we have been found faithful.

(an excerpt from a song echoing the same)

Find Us Faithful
By Steve Green

May all who come behind us find us faithful…

May the fire of our devotion light their way

May the footprints that we leave lead them to believe

And the lives we live inspire them to obey…

Yes, our brother in Christ was remembered faithful.
Chuck left behind his footprints for others to believe.

Chuck’s life was a true inspiration for those left behind to continue their journey of faith reflecting the character of God as He is faithful.

Even still, the presence of Chuck is terribly missed though we are comforted in our confidence we’ll see him again.

Life is a vapor; our time is accounted as a mere breath.

a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
James 4:14

Our days are already numbered and we know not when the Lord will stop counting.

Singers Bill and Gloria Gaither wrote and said it best in this song regarding the fleeting of time, a handful of moments in our hands.

We Have this Moment
By Bill and Gloria Gaither

We have this moment to hold in our hands
And to touch it as it slips
Through our fingers like sand
Yesterday’s gone
And tomorrow many never come

But we have this moment today…

May the moment we have in front of us become a great memory.

May the fullness of our heart be love, peace and joy with those in our circle of influence.

Because when the unexpected time comes and the Lord is ready to receive us…

May the examination of our life be found not wasted…

But found faithful…

Loving…
Serving…
Running after God…

Faithful to our post.

DADDY’S BABY IS HAVING A BABY  By Lori A Alicea

Life is full of surprises.

They arrive when you’re caught off guard by the unexpected.

They arrive as a bouquet of flowers you didn’t order.

They arrive after a lap-full of three grandsons and seven granddaughters have been calling you Papa over the last seventeen years. GRANDCHILDRENThey arrive after the baby crib set up at Papa’s house where most of his ten grandchildren have slept in, has been sadly dismantled for the last time.Ethan 2011 ethan in crib USE

They arrive after years of summer riding together on bicycles, most rescued from the side of the road on garbage day and shared among cousins, now bringing smiles to other children in need, as our grandchildren have crushed our hearts outgrowing them.USE BIKESbikes grandkids big on bikes

They arrive after a gentle rain of grandparent tears waving at their two remaining grandchildren recently graduating from Pre-k, on their first day of school.

They arrive after the resistance of a grandfather closing the chapter on diapers, pacifiers, of grandchildren teething, nighttime rocking, toddlers learning to walk, play-dates and weekends at Papa’s house.

They arrive after Papa still struggles with all these new beginnings.

Yes, life is full of unsuspecting surprises.

They arrive as an explosion of joyful confetti…

When daddy’s little girl,
Who always thought she’d only be a cool aunt in her lifetime,

Has called her father to announce she’s having a baby.

A little girl who wrapped her tiny fingers around a daddy’s heart from the moment he laid eyes on her, is about to experience this same miracle in a few short months.use AUDRA baby

A little girl whose smile and curls started the world around her smiling, will witness the same through her son.

audra little

A little girl who loved to go fishing, who risked a handful of blisters for the monkey bars, will one day enjoy these afternoons of fun with her baby boy whose name we have yet to learn.

While time refused to stand still in her growing up,

She remained her daddy’s little girl.

A father affirming his beautiful daughters in song on their thirtieth birthdays while celebrating his sixtieth; a well of emotion a brand new mother is about to draw from for the rest of her child’s life.

You are so Beautiful
Song Made Famous By Joe Cocker

(lyrics excerpt)

You’re everything I hoped for…
You’re everything I need…
You are so beautiful, to me..

Click on the movie ABOVE to hear a father sing to his daughters.

She always thought she’d be the cool aunt to her nieces and nephews, never imagining holding a child of her own.audra johnny dedication

But God knew…

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…
Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)

From the beginning of time, God already knew and wrote about the days of this child’s life; a precious gift from the Lord.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
All the days ordained for me where written in your book,
Before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

Children are a gift from the Lord,
They are a reward from Him.
Psalm 127:3 (NLT)

Daddy’s baby is having a baby.
audra david noah
Papa was overwhelmed with great joy when he revealed the news to me one evening after work.

While she’ll always remain daddy’s little girl;

As some things can never change.
audra flowers
But oh, what an explosion of confetti…

And a life full of surprises…

When daddy’s baby holds the baby of her own.

PRETTY IN MY DADDY’S EYES?  By Lori A Alicea

Am I pretty daddy?

Her words, whether spoken or hidden under the covers of a daughter’s heart, she wonders…

Before her father, she smiles and spins as a music box dancer in her fluffiest dress, with arms stretched out and wind catching her curls as she twirls to the song of her princess ball, yet still wonders…

She wonders each morning as the windows of her deep blue eyes are opened for him to notice…

Am I pretty daddy?USE Girls together no cape

Little girls long to be noticed by their daddy.

No matter her age, whether crawling around his feet or dancing in his arms on her wedding day, a delicate rose among a hillside of splendor whispers under her breath for a father’s attention,

Oh, pick me.”USE flowers

Take me to the dance.”

Be my special date.”

Am I pretty in my daddy’s eyes?”USE Kyle girls flowers

Daddy’s are the fairy-tale in their daughters magical world. USE Decorations CarriageDaddy’s write their story she’ll remember for a lifetime, a book for which his little girl holds the key, with pages she begs him to read each night at bedtime, always starting from the beginning…

Once upon a time…USE Decorations Once Upon a Time

Tell me, tell me, tell me.” She begs him to repeat.

Tell me about our date.”

Let’s go back to the dance through the pages.”

Remind me of all the details I can’t bear to forget.”

While you read, I’ll close my eyes and we’ll be at the princess ball together again.”

There’s something about daddy’s and his intentional time with her.

One can’t buy this time.

One can’t wish this time.

One can’t put off for another day this time.

This time happens because daddy’s make it happen.

He schedules the date.

She picks out her prettiest dress.

Daddy gets fancy too.

Daddy queues the music.

Daddy twirls her.

Daddy notices her.

Daddy dances with her.

Daughter is pretty in her father’s eyes.

They dance until the clock strikes midnight.

I can’t imagine any girl not wanting to be the princess of her lifelong fairy-tale.USE Cinderella Princess Girls with princess

Girls reveal their princess desires in childhood dress up, while playing in her mother’s closet, while walking in the heels of her mother’s shoes.

While dancing in their daddies arms.

Yes dads, your princess waits every night at bedtime to hear her story, the story you have written for her by noticing her, by loving her, by being that Knight on a White horse, by picking her, by seeing her pretty in your daddy eyes.

USE Cinderella Goodnight Girls in bed

While daughter’s hold the key to her fairy-tale book, a daddy holds the key to his princess’ sweet dreams, when kissed by him and the things dreams are made of.

Because a Knight with a White Horse pursues his daughter’s heart.USE Daddy Daughter Dance photo

Because a daddy writes their story she’ll remember for a lifetime, a book for which his little girl holds the key, with pages she begs him to read each night at bedtime, always starting from the beginning…

Once upon a time…USE Decorations Once Upon a Time

STEPPING FROM DOLLS AND BOWS INTO HEELS By Lori A Alicea

She’s not a little girl anymore.

Brooklyn

This little girl

Has been cocooned in her father’s heart these childhood years, hidden and protected while the hand of her heavenly Father has been molding and fashioning and never taking His eyes from her as she becomes the “fearfully and wonderfully made” young woman He envisioned and imagined from before her birth.

Brooklyn and daddy 6

This little girl
Who’s been set apart from anyone or influence who dares to hasten her wings and sacred time with an earthly father who shows the way in her knowing, the trusting and hearing the voice of Christ more clearly; leading his little girl to abandon her heart to Him before those maiden flights finds her beyond an earthly father’s reach.
Brooklyn praising Jesus
A childhood of dolls and bows are now journal entries from days of yesterday.

Tear stained pages of prayers from a father laying bare his heart on the altar for his little girl.

Petitions mirroring back God’s promises of hope and prosperity for his daughter’s future.

Tied together with a little girl’s surrendered will to God’s plans before her.

Be the wind beneath her wings which lift her soaring high as eagles.

A butterfly emerges her cocoon into this beautiful woman standing before me.

The faces of my little girl are now a gallery of framed pictures in the secret place I retreat to when I long to remember those eyes that once looked up and followed me everywhere I went.

My little girl walks past the closed door of her childhood, taking those first few steps thru an entryway as a young woman, a butterfly seeing the beauty of her life for the first time through new lens.
Brooklyn and daddy 3
Her mother and I we celebrate the sweet life and sixteen years of a child and gift God loaned to us parents, recalling His charge we raise our daughter in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
Decorations 1

Today we celebrate what God had given to us sixteen years ago.

But are reminded of the giving back to God’s arms and plans the day we dedicated our little girl to the Lord.

This day our butterfly is seen for the first time dressed and crowned in all her glory; a banquet opening its doors to a place of grandeur for its guests to celebrate and behold her.

Bouquets of roses billow from the arms of a father presenting to her the love he’s expressed on many occasions prior.

A father sharing a first dance with this young woman he’s shared the evening before at daddy-daughter dances, holding back his tears of that dance yet to come on her wedding day.

Our little girl kisses good-bye her childhood of dolls and bows.

brooklyn and brodie 1

Stepping into the heels of a young woman crowned befitting her beauty.

She may not be little anymore, but forever etched in my sight is daddies little girl.
Brooklyn and daddy
A father’s heart hasn’t changed and still overwhelmed for his little girl as when he spoke on her 13th birthday.

What can I say! I am a proud father of two beautiful girls that I love so much.

Brooklyn, my first. What a great opportunity for me to learn what it was to be a dad and how to love unconditionally. Since the first time I met you at three years old until now, has been an amazing journey. You have been through a lot, but I am glad that I was there to help you get through those difficult times.

I want you to know that you have given me a gift that no one could ever take from me, and that was adopting you as my daughter. The crazy thing is, nothing has changed for me because you have always been my girl from the moment I met you.

I’m proud to see God working in your life, and I hope your mom and I are doing a good job showing you how to live a Christ centered life. I’m proud of who you are and most of all, I’m proud to be your dad!

I love you!
Love Daddy”

A butterfly emerges her cocoon into this beautiful woman standing before me.

Presenting for the very first time,

A woman dressed and crowned in all her glory,
Fearfully and wonderfully made,

Our daughter,

Brooklyn Nicole Alicea.

Presentation of Brookln

LIFE’S AMAZING RACE By Lori A Alicea

Sometimes life takes you back a few years and it’s always worth looking over your shoulder to remember the overflow of one’s heart.

On February 24, 2017
A few pages from the diary of my heart for our son on his birthday….

Your Life’s Amazing Race began on
February 24, 1983 at 5:55 PM
When you became our son;

Jacob James C. England

jake as a baby at xmas

God has had a great plan on your life before you were ever born.
That plan has been unfolding with every mile you complete in your race; a race that has been charted from the very beginning.

There are those who have greatly influenced you along the way.
Now, it’s your turn to lead the next generation of runners in their race;
Those adorable children of yours.

2015 hollis jake cova at race

I am forever thankful for those lives that have loved you greatly for so many years, but sadly were last seen at the fork in the road called “Heaven Bound.”

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Jake and Cova

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barbara

Gloria Gloria

grandma brendaFC74F153-9566-420B-8596-BB2F712E5C0F
David and I love you son.

david and lori copy

May God continue to reveal amazing surprises for you around every lap of the race you take.

Your Life’s Amazing Race
By Lori A Alicea

A charted course, your race is set,
Specific map assign.

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A plan prepared before your birth,
To reach the finish line.

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Your map it details every step,
Your path God charts them all.

IMG_7433He guides your way and sets the pace,
The prize, fulfill your call.

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A marathon of hills to climb,
Yet miles where watchers cheer.

The Climb of Your Life - Do not Fear picture or Conquer 2Encouragement when loss of strength,
Demands you persevere.

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Beware the turns that lead astray,
The detours that seem right.

IMG_7439Keep firm your faith and feet before,
The prize that’s in your sight.

jake running your raceYou’ve journeyed far, we’re proud of you,
Yet many miles you face.

IMG_7437Faint not, your God he runs beside,
Your life’s amazing race.

IMG_7434Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easy entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1

Blessings on another year older son.
IMG_7405You are all grown up; but that little boy still holds a special place in my heart.

mother son USESpoken from the pages of David’s heart …

Dear Son,

You may not be my blood.
You may not share my name.
But love goes deeper than any human understanding.
If I never told you,
I’ve always believed it.
I’m proud of you as any dad would be.
You are my Beloved Son.
Love David

jakes cross stitch

Thirty-eight years ago
You left the starting line to begin your
Life’s Amazing Race.

As the laps in your life begin to take their grueling toll; Don’t give up or give into the pain.  Stay in your lane. Persevere and complete your race.  As a prize awaits your finish.  Love Mom. 25040237-B6C2-4839-B6C7-053054DD4669

WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE…By Lori A Alicea

The heart of one true friend for the other,
…he loved him as he loved himself.
1 Samuel 20:16 NIV

For every life there is a ledger.
A book of columns tallying the additions and subtractions,
Reconciling the sum total of our years here on earth,
And upon inspection of my life’s ledger,
I’d consider it an accounting of true riches
For those who call me friend, albeit even one.

 “If you have one true friend in the world,
You are very rich.”
Alistair Begg        

We were not born for isolation.

God himself said before blessing man with his wife:
It is not good for man to be alone…
Genesis 2:18 NIV

While telling them next to
“Be fruitful and multiply…”
Genesis 1:28

Birthed from the increase of families came
Community, the village,
Our deep and abiding friendships.

What a friend we have….
…to be loved by one as he loves himself.

As beauty rests in the eye of the beholder,
So are the many portraits of friendship;
Painted and seen from the beholders lens.

The portrait of loyalty as seen through the eyes of small children and their furry best friends, expressed through their inseparable time together, side by side throughout the day, never seeing one without the other, with the loyal friend keeping vigil and watch over his best friend at night.

Friendships paint a classroom of learning whose brushstrokes articulate the lending and sharing of talent, while hidden in the shadows of color are those dreams and secrets that friends both share together, creating a heart connection for life.

True friendships are those paintings of hill climbs thru hard times, journeys thru deep valleys of sadness and miles of desolate roads with no bright intersection in sight, yet depicting relationships still locking arms to get through it all together, never entertaining the thought of leaving the other behind.

Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.
Maya Angelou

There are those nightstand 5 x 7’s reserved for friendships remembering their worst and best day, those good Samaritan moments caught on camera rescuing a fallen friend in need.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up… Ecclesiastes 4:10
hands ethan and ayva park 2
Friendships are for life; a picture riding off into the sunset, showcasing a bond birthed as cousins, yet grew with them through the years into brothers and inseparable friends.

There are those friendships beautifully framed in love and influence, portraits that hang over the fireplace of those who have touched and impacted our hearts for the first time, yet leave a handprint on our life forever.
father grandfather ayva and daddy walkingThen are those generational wall groupings, our inheritance frozen under glass for our reminder, our journey back to our roots, our heritage and friendships that can’t be explained on canvas, only told through the stories of those faces caught in time.

Friendships are snapshots of sisters, or friends who become sisters and family, snapshots where the naked eye is unable to distinguish the difference because love goes deeper and hides itself in these pixel moments of time.

There are friends,
there is family,
and then there are friends
that become family.
Unknown

Friendship on canvas is..
A friend who
overlooks your broken fence
and admires the flowers in your garden.
Unknown
flowers ayva smelling flowers

Sweet friendships refresh the soul…they awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence. Proverbs 27:9 TPT

What a friend we have…
The heart of one true friend for the other,
…he loved him as he loved himself.
1 Samuel 20:16 NIV

 

SO LIKE YOUR FATHER By Lori A Alicea

Looking through the mirror of the generations, its reflection reminds us that the years of our grandfathers, fathers, children and grandchildren pass onto each other the similarities of their faces, their subtle mannerisms, what brings them delight and joy.

While many generations try to deny what the mirror reveals as truth, may the eye of the beholder embrace the family history in their smile, the way they stand, and all the answers to who they are in these reflections.

Remembering a time when my great-grandfather, both sets of grandparents and father were still alive and me as a grown daughter with children of my own, I regret terribly not taking those small moments with them to record the details of my lineage through their memories and follow these woven threads that piece together the fabric of my life.

I would have loved to know how my grandparents and father celebrated Christmas as a child.  What where their dreams, disappointments, regrets?  To my great-grandfather, tell me about the Depression Era or going off to war?  Of course it would behoove me not to ask about love, weddings and marriage back in the day, or uncover my grandmother’s wedding dress hidden in her hope chest.  Being known as a book of a million questions, I could cry for the history I didn’t discover while these matriarch and patriarch pillars were still living for me to ask.

As a mother and grandmother with four children and ten grandchildren, I can’t tell you the times when an act, movement or just a glance from one of them stops me with a thought,

“That was so like your father.”

I see that silly smile worn by my son and grandson; both who could easily pass for carbon copies of each other in their antics.
Their grins tell a hilarious story all by itself.

 

I’ve realized the way I stand has been inherited by my son and granddaughter.  So many occasions while growing up my son would casually be browsing for a snack at the refrigerator and I’d see myself in his mannerisms.  Now I catch my granddaughter from those surprise glances of my eye and pause,
“You are so like your father.”

 

I find it amazing that a child’s love for their father’s pick-up truck is passed on down like a family heirloom.

 

Even the thrill seeking adventure of my teenage son jumping curbs and rails stirring the pot of a mother’s hysteria,
Thrill Seeker Jake 1

has revealed itself in my grandchildren when in a child’s delight screams to their daddy while holding for life to their rope swing, GO HIGHER.
Don’t listen to Gaga.  GO HIGHER DADDY!!
Yes, they are so like their father.

 

Lord, help me prepare as the real adventure is yet to come for my grandchildren as my son and “son of a different mother” I claim knows no limits to the life of a thrill-seeker.

 

Turning back the pages of the family bible, I wonder about the grandfather who passed on his trait for wearing suspenders to the young child in my husband.  Being raised in his grandfather’s home, I’m sure their affection for each other was expressed in sharing this iconic fashion statement.
Legs Out David

Through the generations, it’s fascinating that a father’s love for something is embraced in the bloodline of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Baseball can be traced in four generations of my husband’s family.  Many dreams of being discovered into the big leagues were dashed by reality, yet the innings still continue each summer when the umpire yells into the dugout, “Batter up!”

 

Even hobbies can be shared from generation to generation.  My son’s great uncle passed on his square of the family quilt to his nephew and great-nephew through beekeeping.  Imagine raising bees becoming part of your heritage.

 

Generations pass on those coveted traditions that fill in the memories of our childhood.  We remember the joyful moments; the faces we long to see again; the days of old and relive them again through the lives of our children and grandchildren.  Like a father witnessing that coveted milestone in his son’s first birthday, or a son sharing the same milestone when his father celebrates his sixtieth.

 

More than anything, you can’t savor the albums of the generations, reliving history captured through the faces stopped in time and witness with your own eyes without saying,
“You are so like your father.”

A father and son thirty years apart.

 

Dads being dads then sons growing up to be dads.

 

Dads taking on a new role as grandfather and great grandfather, and simply loving it.

 

  Completing the picture framed and titled:
Family through the eyes of four generations
Generations All 4

I can’t close the family bible without retelling the story whose image and likeness we were created, the reason we look like Him in our words, deeds and actions of heart and able to say,

“We are so like our Father.”

In the beginning,

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness….”
Genesis 1:26 NIV

We were created in His image that his character in our love, patience, kindness and faithfulness be seen and embraced by others.

Oh that we be found acting like our Father in a secret act of kindness.
Oh that our patience in a hard situation make our Father proud.
Oh that our Father finds us faithful to the “plough” when others have left their fields and fallen asleep.
Oh that the fullness of our heart overflow onto others that they might be drawn to the Father who loves them best.

May it be sincerely said by the circle of influence that God has encamped around us,

“You are so like your father.”