WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 2 of 3)


Discovering those beautiful diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness while mining my rejection!

PART 2 OF 3

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 1 of 3)

I questioned my mother’s love for me…

Mother didn’t drive for many years when we were young and with dad working around the clock, mom walked us to a country church we attended one block away from home.HOUSE on Brook Drive

Behind our mother we ducklings followed single file behind her to our neighborhood lighthouse for Christ.

There was a season years later when mother stopped going to church, yet our love for God kept us walking.

Mother’s six kids all walked an isle of salvation following in water baptisms, and passing on a passion for Jesus to their families.CHURCH - 1st Baptist Church of South Haven

SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

As an adult looking back on my life, I wish I had “seen things more clearly” while growing up with my four sisters and brother.Lori Siblings

Surrounded in a house with five other siblings, there were many opportunities to be selfish.  Children tend to see their cup half full, but now as an adult I know my cup had always overflowed, realizing I had more of everything money couldn’t buy, and that was having each other.

If only our eyes could naturally magnify the treasures of life.  If only our naked eye could see the “little things that matter”.  Too bad life doesn’t issue a pair of glasses that allows us to “see things more clearly”.

I think back then and smile remembering those late night talks with the two sisters I shared a room with, while trying to get the attention of the other two down the hall.  Or the times our brother conned us into doing his chores, promising his allowance, though never paying like he said.  I guess we girls just loved to make our only brother happy.

Then there were our countless meals around the table, always sitting in the same exact seat.  It was this sacred time spent together where the memories we now tell our own children were made.

SEEING THINGS MORE CLEARLY (excerpt end)

For years, mother sent her children to church camp to experience Jesus and outdoor cabin living.

One summer in 1973, and even though I always loved God, I finally surrendered my life to Him at camp with the scripture:

That if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Romans 10:9 AMPChurch Camp

Summer Camp – 1973
(I am standing on the top row, last on the right)

Looking at this younger version of myself back at summer camp, I wish I could talk to her and warn her with flashing lights of things to come. With eyes visibly shut, I want so bad to sound the alarm and awaken her spirit, because in four short years, a teenager’s journey is about to take a dangerous turn.

Her parents will divorce and six months after that, an innocent sixteen year old is startled from a deep sleep and jolted to a horrific nightmare of attempted rape by her mother’s second husband.

A horror flick in black and white without sound and not a soul able to hear my screams; I was too terrified and frozen in fear to cry out.

Why Lord? Why?

The scriptures remind…

In the world ye shall have tribulation;
But be of good cheer; for I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 KJV

In days, weeks and years to come, I was comforted in a Father’s promise…

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted…
Psalm 34:18 ESV

The Lord indeed was near and intervened in my rescue before the nightmare played out its final scene of terror.

A few days later my sister and I found refuge at our newly married sister’s house with our younger sister living now with dad, closing the door of home behind three young girls forever as our mother asked us to leave.HOUSE on Fox River Rd

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

THE SIGHTS OF MARRIAGE…

After eleven years of marriage, I found myself a devastated single mother raising a baby girl and little boy in a two bedroom apartment located in a government housing community.  I never wanted to be divorced.

I was on my own for the very first time in my young life of twenty-eight years.

My family helped me unpack and put everything away on moving day; albeit I didn’t have much.

After the last family member left for home following the move, the sound of prison doors shut in my heart.

A few hours prior, I left behind the peace and tranquility of life in the country; and now my new residence in the city was deafening to my ears with the fire station nearby.914DBD72-2889-4CE0-95C2-B65C899067E3

A glimmer kept me hopeful though as my initial lease allowed the contract to be broken without reason before the first thirty days expired.

Surely my husband would return for his wife, baby girl and little boy when the silence echoed in every room of the house from our absence.

Yet, the showers of a broken heart flooded my soul after our thirtieth day in the apartment lapsed.  He never came back for us.

This government apartment would become our new address for the next five years.CANDY JAKE 007

It’s time to get off the bus now for a moment and stretch our legs.

This part of the tour is complete and you might be wondering why we stopped here in this town recently devastated by a Kentucky tornado; in particular, this house whose roof was relocated somewhere else in the neighborhood.

Feeling like I lost everything; my home, my marriage, my self-worth; I needed to be reminded when Jesus is all you have left, you come to realize Jesus is all you need.

Seated at his piano following this Kentucky tornado, a man named Jordan Baize comforts himself after losing his earthly possessions by playing the song,

There’s Just Something About That Name.

Let’s gather around the piano with him and sing…

THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THAT NAME

By Bill and Gloria Gaither

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus;
There’s just something about that name.
Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and earth proclaim
Kings and kingdoms will all pass away,
But there’s something about that name.Piano player

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?  

BE ENCOURAGED, THE VICTORY LAP IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

Part 3 TO BE CONTINUED…

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 3 of 3)


Discovering those beautiful diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness while mining my rejection!

PART 3 OF 3

Part 1 of 3

https://applesofgoldencouragement.blog/2023/05/11/whats-wrong-with-me-by-lori-a-alicea-part-1-of-3/

Part 2 of 3

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? By Lori A Alicea (Part 2 of 3)

All Aboard!

God has taken his seat on the bus and the VICTORY LAP begins with our new Tour Guide ready to reveal the bigger picture of my life with every site we re-visit.

The old hymn we six siblings sang in harmony together while seated side by side on the wooden pew of the old country church our mother walked us to begged to burst forth from my soul, “OH VICTORY IN JESUS!”  

There is about to be an exchange of…

BEAUTY FOR MY ASHES.

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.
The oil of joy instead of mourning,
And a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair….
Isaiah 61:3 NIV

With shovels and pick axes in hand, we are entering the mine of my rejection, about to discover those beautiful and precious diamonds of God’s goodness and faithfulness.

As we think on those things which are…

Of a good report…

Of virtue…

And are praiseworthy.

Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of a good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Scripture Philippians 4:8 KJV

Mining for answers of all my questions, our Senior Pastor counsels his flock to turn around and look back a generation or more to understand the “whys” in our life, because the…

Iniquities of the fathers are visited upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.
(Exodus 20:5)

Without God, history repeats itself as fathers bequeath to their children and children’s children the tainted wells of their life as an inheritance for the generations beyond them to drink from.  Pastor also encourages us to “stop up and close off” for good those old wells of bitter water and dig anew that we might leave a (spiritual) inheritance to his children’s children to draw from instead.
(Proverbs 13:22)

Sadly, I found the answers to my “whys” while digging three generations back.

Not wanting to face this part of the tour alone, I found it comforting to share my seat of VICTORY with the (memory) of two other innocent girls whose pages of their childhood story were drenched and stained from those tears of sorrow similar to mine; my sisters Belinda and Mary.siblings belinda mary

 Together, we will hold each other’s hands from across the seat and look through the “windows of our past” without being afraid anymore, because God is about to reveal the scenes and details He was fully present in, though we were unaware.

 I take this VICTORY LAP for my daughters and granddaughters and also for my two sisters who suffered this part of their life in silence, that their legacy gain their wings for their daughters and granddaughter who continue the journey beyond their mother’s and grandmother’s life.

Reading our story, one might ask themselves, “Why does a loving God allow such heartache on innocent girls?”  Our good daddy replies to His daughters,

“It rains on the just and the unjust.”  (Matthew 5:45)

While God never promised a life without us “getting wet” from the tragedy’s of the world, He did promise to hold the umbrella and weather the storm with us.

THE SIGHTS OF GROWING UP Revisited…

Re-visiting our childhood home, I soon discover God’s hand of protection on our life when mother asked us girls to find another place to live following the assault from my step-dad, as our family home caught fire some time later and the flames began and ignited from my childhood room.

I was also heartbroken to discover my mother’s parents drank from the well of abandonment when as a baby, my grandmother left my mother in the crib to cry for hours without comfort as my grandmother left her alone during the evenings of dating.

My mother’s unrelenting cries of hunger and desperation for her mother’s arms could be heard and felt from the open windows of the neighbors, who offered no assistance to a child left alone.

Wanting also to hold and protect my mother close when I realize there were relatives in her life who drank from the well of sexual abuse.

The iniquities of the parents visit the third and fourth generations.
(Exodus 20:5)

After forty-plus-years I was finally brave enough to dig for answers regarding the man who assaulted an innocent girl while she slept.

A faithful Father protected and spared His daughter that night from the evils of my step-father when I discovered he left a party a few years later and raped two women at knife point; although the charges were never upheld in court.

My Pastor always reminded us,

Without God, we are all capable of the unthinkable.”

Though divorced by this time from my mother and decades since we last saw our step-father, he now lay in the hospital bed and within days of his death, my mother worried of his salvation.

As it is not God’s will that any should perish, but have everlasting life, my mother made a difficult request of us adult children to visit and say our final good-byes to him at his hospital bedside.

 Believing love never fails, we trusted our kindness might stir man’s heart for eternity.

Not forgetting our roots and heritage to a child’s promise of blessing in honoring their parents, even the office of mother and father when the emotions are too painful; we adult children visited our step-father with a pure heart to honor him in our final farewell.

Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV

Taking in the final days of this man I once knew as step-dad, who now struggled and gasped to breathe for a single sip of coffee, the difficult memories I carried for decades in my heart’s pocket became a mere blur to this unknown person bloated at the abdomen, dying from emphysema.

Noticing the well wishes on the night stand for my step-father caught me off guard and took my breath to realize they were greeting cards the grandchildren gave him years ago when they were little.

We were the only family this broken man had ever known.

Born as an innocent boy with a story being written from the same God and pen in His hand who was also writing mine, yet still a boy on the inside who was never loved to life; as his own father drew from the well of alcoholism and child abuse.

We children honored this man and our mother by attending his funeral.

The blessings were ours for the taking in our honoring.

Regarding my mother, I grew up without ought or an unforgiving heart towards her; how could I?  She was a woman who introduced me to Jesus by taking me to church, sending me to camp, joining us at Vacation Bible School and so much more.

The same Jesus who forgives me of my trespasses when we forgive those who trespass against us. (Matthew 6:12)

Yet sadly, I don’t believe my Mother ever forgave herself or moved beyond the ash heap of ground zero from the spiritual fires her choices cost her family.

 I grieve for mom and my sisters Mary and Belinda who left this earth suffering in the silences of their past when God longed to touch their brokenness with the healing salve of a Fathers’s love.

We each hold keys to the gates which unlock those secret places we dare not allow any to trespass; but we must be willing to relinquish and surrender these entrances of our lives for freedom’s sake.

Mother looked at me for the remainder of my life without her glasses, never noticing how God turned my mourning into dancing, gave me beauty for my ashes, how God made something beautiful out of my life.

I QUESTIONED MY MOTHER’S LOVE FOR ME revisited.

Four years before my mother died, her address changed to a nursing home and I offered to pack up her house. Before the details of my mother’s life was photographed and chronicled on a spreadsheet for future gifting to her heirs, I asked the Lord a question while sitting in my mother’s chair.

ME AND MOTHER’S BOXES (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Lord, is there anything among my mother’s things that you want to give me?

We didn’t grow up with riches, but we were rich in ways money could never afford. Any lose ends from the fray of my memory have been tied in a bow, leaving only good thoughts under the cloak of my childhood.Lori Siblings

I needed God to complete the sentence relationship of mother and me with not a “period”, but possibly a heart emoji, a kiss of the heart, or a gift of affection.

Sixty-five boxes in total. I held in my hands the last remaining treasure among mother’s sixty-five boxes.
Boxes 3
An old jewelry box filled with mother’s mismatched pieces of costume necklaces, earrings, rings and broaches, jewelry I remember mother wearing vividly when I was growing up. A jewelry box displayed on her bedroom dresser, a familiar piece I cleaned for decades as mother’s housekeeper. I knew it well.

The hidden finds inside this jewelry box rewinds the 8mm collections of me as a child playing dress up with mother’s baubles and beads.

I sigh…I take a breath…There it was.

Like an old photograph buried in the dust of time prompting a double-take and closer view, I stopped in the moment to remember.

Held in my hands a gift from God, bewildered I hadn’t noticed it during my years as mother’s housekeeper, even more bewildered this gift was in plain sight during the packing.

A sweet sixteen present from her mother and father, A birthday celebration for my mother, A beautiful watch with the inscription and sentiment I had never read before, “To Our Loving Daughter”.

Beholding this gift up close I knew without question, God didn’t want to give me treasures, God wanted to give me words, God longed to breathe these words of affirmation upon my life, “To Our Loving Daughter.” Most endearing of all was the phrase, “To Our”, received as two people, my mother and father, my heavenly Father.

God redeemed our relationship symbolically with a watch (gift of time, my love language) that was given on my mother’s sweet 16 (about age I was when the incident with my step-father happened. The watch face was broken, but God redeemed my sweet 16 with the inscription on the other side.
Anniversary picture
ME AND MOTHER’S BOXES (excerpt ends)

I QUESTIONED MY FATHER’S LOVE FOR ME… (revisited)

Mining my life of rejection through the relationship with my father, God revealed to me how dad drew from a dry well and couldn’t quench my thirst for love and affirmation.

As an adult, I found enough grace for dad and his “lack to see me”. I soon questioned in secret, “What affirmations failed to be poured into that little boy’s life who one day became my dad?”

COMING TO TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Aware through a cancer scare years prior to his actual graduation to heaven, I feared the uncertainty of his days and losing dad without him hearing how I felt.  So, after Thanksgiving one year, I decided to surrender in an advent calendar, titling it “Twenty Five Things My Dad Did Right”.

As a parent myself I strive to give my kids the best of me, though acknowledging I’ve made my share of mistakes.  Having grace for his, I decided for every day leading up to December 25, I’d give dad a gift of my appreciation.

Opening up a daughters treasure chest, I wondered if there were 25 memories tucked away.  But in turning the key to my heart, I marveled at what I had saved.

Like running into the kitchen each Sunday afternoon from church, faithfully finding that one piece of toast dad hadn’t eaten for breakfast.  I always believed he left it for me.

Or realizing after graduating from high school and college just how smart dad really was, though never receiving either diploma.  Dad could fix anything, and I truly admired that.

How could I forget dad adoring me in my wedding dress, setting aside his pain as we had buried grandma earlier that morning.

Christmas, when it came, dad declared he’d received the best gift of his life, presenting the advent calendar to us all.  “Tis the season” as dad seemed to stand a little taller, dad seemed to come to life.

The bells of Christmas rang a new message for me that year.  Maybe dad was never daddies little boy and couldn’t give me a love he hadn’t known.  When dad came to life that holiday season, I believe this little girl did the same.

COMING TO TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (excerpt end)

Weeks leading up to my father’s passing, I kept thinking of Jacob’s story from the Bible who gathered his sons around the death bed where he blessed them individually.

I also longed a father’s blessing.
dads house 4
A FATHER’S BLESSING (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

Bless me father.”

Oh, that you would bless me.”

Visiting dad for what would be my last day to see him alive and heartbroken over dad’s visible frailty and sagging T-shirt hanging over his protruding bones, I began to lose hope of a Father’s Blessing. But unbeknownst to me, a blessing awaits its reveal.

There’s one fact I’m certain about God my heavenly father, he loves his little girls. No matter her age, weight, social status, marital status, degrees or lack thereof, etc., God is smitten with his girls.

God smitten with “this little girl” heard my prayer that summer and answered me days before my father’s death in a small but impactful way; not at my father’s bedside, but kitchen table instead.

God’s choice of the kitchen table for a Father’s Blessing tied years of my fondest memories, as at this table dad handed out our Christmas gifts each December.  I loved that my heavenly father chose this memory backdrop and used the same chair dad sat in for years during our Christmas exchanges to bless me.
xmas at dads
Seated around the table were me and my dad, my step-sister and dad’s caregiver. Just having small talk, dad asked his caregiver to help him up and assist dad to his room. Back in his seat, dad handed me a framed letter and asked, “Would you please read this to me?”

Not a crier by nature, I fought to compose myself when dad asked me to read a Father’s Day gift I gave him a year ago. Always drawing a blank when buying dad’s gifts, that Father’s Day I felt led from God to honor my dad’s military service; a conversation we never had; but I never asked either.

Accompanied with a flag that Father’s Day, I never seen dad so emotional.

We are told by God to give Honor to whom honor is due. (Romans 13:7)

Honor was due my father; an accumulation of years due.

These same framed words dad gave back to me and asked me to read at his funeral.
IMG_3715Dear Dad,

For 54 years I have celebrated you as my dad and all that you have sacrificed and contributed to my life. You have been a great provider. You have protected me when I have needed you to. You are always a phone call away. And you have been a friend throughout the years.

But the one attribute of my father that I have not celebrated until today is your service in the military. Until I became a mom with a son serving in the military, did I fully appreciate the sacrifices of a member in the military.

I am sad to say I know nothing about your time in the navy, but that’s because I never asked. But I do know you actively served, and for that, I salute you today and thank you for

SERVING YOUR COUNTRY FOR OUR FREEDOM.

I am giving you this gift as my way of saying thank you for your service.

Happy Father’s Day

Love, Lori and David

You may be wondering, “Is that it! Is that your Father’s Blessing?”

The true Father’s Blessing revealed itself during the packing up of dad’s house.

Sadly dad “said a lot again” when we kids realized there wasn’t a single picture, card or memento saved and left behind of dad’s six kids, or crowd of grand-kids and great-grand-kids. Not one.

Except the letter of mine that dad framed and hung in the entrance of his room.

I won’t add to dad’s heart as his heart was a locked door for most of our relationship. But a Father’s Day present became a Father’s Day Blessing that summer of 2016.

An added bonus discovered deep in my father’s attic was his old fashioned lunch pail, a true treasure I kept to remind myself what a “standard of excellence” looks like.
IMG_3716
Dad was buried with Military Honors. In death our father received the military honor due him in life.

During the years that an earthly father “didn’t see” her, a little girl;

A heavenly father couldn’t take His eyes off of her.

A Father’s Blessing I am truly aware of when I sleep and when I slumber.

If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? Luke 12:28 Message

A FATHER’S BLESSING (excerpt end)

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

I’ve been asking this question most of my life to myself, but sadly, I never inquired of the Lord.

The Father answers a daughter’s question, though not with rebuke, but with love and gentleness as a good daddy does.

“Daughter, you been asking the wrong question all these years.  Instead, I long you to ask of your Father, WHO AM I IN CHRIST?  And then He answers…

THE GOD WHO SEES (excerpt)
By Lori A Alicea

You knit me in my mother’s womb,
And wonderfully I’m made.
Created me so fearfully,
The days you watched, you stayed.

Not hidden in this secret place,
Your works, I praise for these.
Your eyes they saw my unformed self,
You are the God who sees.

How precious are your thoughts of me,
More than the grains of sand.
My days are written in your book,
One mind can’t understand.

You see me when I sleep at night,
You see when I’m awake.
You are the God who sees it all,
You see each breath I take.

Yes, I am yours and you are mine,
My heart, you have the keys.
You’ve drawn me Oh Beloved One,
You are the God who sees.

Psalms 139; Genesis 16:13; Solomon 6:3

I have grown into a woman fully aware of the love God has for me.

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with loving kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

So, what about that red hair, green eyes and face full of freckles?
ALICEA David Lori
I asked the question years later in my life, and it’s amazing when you ask the simple questions God longs to hear, the answers He generously gives.

Our good Father whispered and pointed to the mirror of my reflection:

Oh daughter, your red hair is a gift from me; only 2% of little girls are strawberry blonde; red hair with green eyes are even more uncommon.

And those freckles…God leans in close to tell me a secret…

Your mother told you those freckles were kisses from the S U N.

Well actually, your freckles are sweet kisses from my S O N.

All grown up when I could have changed my hair to any color in the rainbow, I kept the gift God gave me…
David and Lori together 3
Yes, God is so good to me.  As a child I sang in Sunday School those exact words:

GOD IS SO GOOD
By Paul Makai
God is so good.
God is so good.
God is so good.
He’s so good to me.

God is a good Father to all His children.  He longs for His sons and daughters to climb on His lap and lean into His love.

He even blessed me with a Cinderella love story in marriage nearly twenty-nine years ago. wedding all kids

At our 25th Anniversary Wedding Vow Renewal we sang the words of a good and faithful God:

The faithfulness and goodness of God has followed me my whole life.  The faithfulness and goodness of God has followed you too.

I want my daughters and granddaughters and girls and women alike to rejoice in the God who made them fearfully and wonderfully…

Missing teeth and all…

THE GOD WHO SEES (excerpt ends)

Rosalee praising Jesus

Thank you to everyone who found a seat on this tour and “lifted me up” with your presence as my honored guest.

It was in the turning and sharing of these tear stained pages of my story that I might give hope to someone else who suffers in silence.

What was intended for my harm, God turned it around and used it for my good.  (Genesis 50:20)

OUR SEAT AT THE TABLE By Lori A Alicea

Everyone needs to know they have a seat at the table.”

My words prompting a last minute dash to the store for extra plates and napkins after coming up short while setting the table for our family Easter dinner this past Sunday.IMG_1737

There’s a deep sense of belonging when the well-thought-out guest list includes your name, a seat at the table and a place in the heart of those gathering together.IMG_2122

Dining at the head table are our four family pillars; one patriarch and his three devoted sons to their father, with his beloved wife and two other sons now taking their seat at the banqueting table with Jesus.

Though falling short in our imperfections,

Yet still,

Our family is a circle of strength;
Founded by faith,
Joined by love,
Kept by God,
Together forever.
Author Unknown

We worship with one another.
We pray for one another.
We love one another.
We have room for mistakes of one another.
We forgive one another.
We are a blessing to one another.

We each have a seat at the table.

Circled in strength,

The family prays, loves, makes room and forgives for any empty seat at the table once the dinner bell has rung.

The Shofar is blown to call their loved ones back home to the table.IMG_1697

Joined by love…

Strike outs in life won’t get you ejected from the game…

Neither will personal fouls.

The family prayers will always follow those taking a detour away from home.

Founded by faith…

You’ll be kept in the batting lineup for another chance at the plate until you hit a home-run in your walk with God.

Yes, we all have a seat at the table.

Sadly, some give up their seat to make room for the next generation, leaving her likeness, depositing her love for the kitchen, and giving charge over the dinner bell to her oldest granddaughter.

The family has grown and so has the dinner table.

Taking their seat at the kids table are fourth generation world changers for the Kingdom and the legacy of our family.IMG_1732

Kept by God,
Together forever…

Yes, God has set the banqueting table for each of us.

If we ever believe the lie in our unworthiness to take our seat at the table,

We are reminded in the Bible about Mephibosheth who was such a person, crippled in his feet and thinking to discredit the thought that there was even such a seat for him at the table.

Yet King David, desiring to show kindness to his loyal friend Jonathan thru his son Mephibosheth, the grandson of King Saul who wronged and sought to kill King David,

He said, “Mephibosheth!”
Your servant,” he replied.

Don’t be afraid,” David said to him, “For I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.”
2 Samuel 9:7 NIV

For those still feeling undeserving to take their seat at the table, Jesus will carry you instead and all your brokenness to your seat, to dine with Him forever.

I WAS CARRIED TO THE TABLE
Lyrics by Steve J. Hindalong / Marc Byrd / Leeland Mooring

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see
My brokenness anymore
When I’m seated
At the table of the Lord.

IMG_1737

LOOKING FOR LOVE  By Lori A Alicea

How did you and Papa meet?”

Was he handsome?”

Was it love at first sight?”

Oh, tell me your love story Gaga.”

red heart shaped ornament
Photo by Djurdjina ph.djiz on Pexels.com

I remember being that inquisitive young girl with my grandmother, asking her question after question about love and courting back in her day.

What an heirloom to pass on through the generations; a love story continuing in the chapters of your children’s lives, your grand-children and the greats beyond them.

Matters of the heart are timeless through the centuries of calendars, as we’re all looking for love to share our lives with; it’s just the specifics which date the romance.

Recalling one indelible detail I held onto from those conversations with my grandmother regarding her courtship with Papa, she recounted how he flirted for her attention by riding pass the window on horseback, while shooting his rifle in the afternoon air.

What a keepsake in my hope chest of memories, if only I had taken the time to record my grandmother’s accounts in its entirety on paper.

I didn’t want to make the same mistake with our love story, as stories are those sacred pages written in the family Bible, the history of our lineage documenting the faithfulness of God for the generations beyond our life to take comfort in, to hold onto, to mine the wisdom and believe for themselves when their hearts begin their travels of looking for love.

I was twenty-eight years old and looking for love.

selective focus photography of heart pendant chain link necklace
Photo by u4e09 u70b9sky on Pexels.com

Newly single and a mother of two young children, I was looking for love, but didn’t want to find love in all the wrong places, as my two year old daughter and seven year old son’s future depended on me while I depended on God with the matters of my heart for their sake, as well as mine.

I wish I could have held the hand of the twenty-eight year old version of me during those lonely evenings when the children slept, and uplift her continence to remember, this too shall pass.

I would reassure her that Valentine’s Day won’t always be celebrated seated at a table for one.

I would remind her in this painful separation from love…

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart…
Psalms 34:18 NKJV

I would shower her with hope for the new beginnings God has already planned for the three of them.

person placing a puzzle on heart shaped puzzle pieces
Photo by DS stories on Pexels.com

Although not to overwhelm, I would save the part of the five year wait ahead of her,

Instead, I’d bring a mother’s comfort in the wait she currently endures,

But those who wait on the Lord,
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings of eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and be faint.
Isaiah 40:31 NKJV

It was in the waiting where I struggled most.

With my love language being quality time, I longed to share my life with someone wanting the same.

In looking for love, a tug of war with God over the reins of my heart was a constant struggle, yet peace waited for me in my surrender to His control.

In looking for love, somehow I believed I knew what was
God’s best according to me,
and wrote about it during the fourth year of my
wait,
on March 7, 1993.

GOD’S BEST ACCORDING TO ME
By Lori A Alicea

As I sit and ponder,
And search to see.
What truly is God’s best,
According to me.

It all comes to mind,
In my quiet place.
I begin to know him,
And sense his face.

He’d have a beard,
Kept up each week.
To be ever soft,
Against my cheek.

He’d stand so straight,
But not too tall.
And have arms of strength,
To protect us all.

He’d enjoy the laughter,
And enjoy the peace.
And enjoy it with measure,
That never would cease.

He’d be so excited,
About the children I’ve known.
And would treasure their being,
And make them his own.

He’d be the likeness of Christ,
And bear his name.
And be the priest of our home,
Just the same.

He’d cover me with prayer,
At the start of each day.
And I’d feel his compassion,
By the words he’d say.

And more important than ever,
More important to me.
Would be his race towards Jesus,
And the heavenly.

And all this is beautiful,
What a dream he’d be
But this is only God’s best,
According to me.

My thoughts are so limited,
And ideas so few.
And all this together,
Would not be dreams come true.

For just as the heavens,
Are higher than the earth.
So are His ways far greater,
In value and in worth.

For it is he that knows my desires,
For only he can see.
What truly is His best,
For me.

And even though on paper,
My special needs I state.
I must allow the matchmaker,
To select my mate.

Another year of waiting on God and with God still remained.

In looking for love, God longed to reveal His heart of love to me before I shared my heart with another.

red heart shape in a white surface
Photo by Lucian Petronel Potlog on Pexels.com

God is love.
1 John 4:8 NJKV

Why did this journey take five years?

 I will have to ask God someday when we meet face to face, as the answers haven’t yet been revealed.

But I must confess this five year quest in looking for love developed in me “a strength and confidence” in God I had never known before.

This was so worth the wait.heart - leave behind

A wait and our complete love story written in this former blog titled

SO WORTH THE WAIT
By Lori A Alicea

TRUE LOVE WAITS.

True love “waits on God” for His perfect best, for however long it takes.

True love “trusts in God” the steps he’s planned for your journey, resisting the lead when guided thru the “wrong way appearances” of the back roads.

True love “believes in God” that He hasn’t forgotten you during the lonely hours spent by yourself.

True love “rests in God” no matter our tears as He notices and collects them all in a bottle where not one is lost, recording this in His book of remembrance. (Psalm 56:8 TPT)

True love waits.

Waiting though is easier said than done.

As a single mom of two I never imagined a five year wait for “God’s best in marriage.”

Twenty-eight years old and starting over again was never my plan, nor was it God’s plan.  Nevertheless, I am a “lady in waiting” for the second time.

I must confess the countless lies I believed regarding who would want me and my ready-made family.  God reminded me over and over though the double blessing His “hand-picked man” would receive bringing all three of us into his life.

For most of the time I didn’t sense the loneliness of my life surrounded by sisters, a great family, church, a few dear friends and all my time filled with the responsibilities of raising two small children.

During the summer months most days on my calendar were filled with Little League.  It helped having somewhere to go at night and on weekends, at least for the summer.

School and shift work kept me exhausted but I always saved a reserve of my time, energy and love for that little girl and boy who needed me to be present in their day.  We had to go on and God would want us to enjoy life and be thankful in all things.

Holidays were the hardest though, especially at Christmas.  I found joy in the decorated trees trimmed with bright lights and sparkle.  I loved the Christmas music played on every station.  I found warmth beside the fireplaces lit for the ambiance of the season.   I too shopped and baked and hid those gifts under the tree.  But I wasn’t sending out Christmas cards from the “two of us”.  I didn’t share a kiss with anyone under the mistletoe.  When you’re not a couple at Christmas you feel like that burnt out strand of lights that went dim on the tree.  People aren’t watching, but in your loneliness you just imagine that they are.

Year after year when the New Year’s Eve clock counted down to midnight, I held on to the promises of God that this year might be different.

GOD’S WORD KEPT ME HOPEFUL AS HE IS FAITHFUL

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6        

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; Psalms 130:5

 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

 One day I decided to write God the “desires of my heart”.  These desires surely pale in comparison to His Best, but these words longed to give a voice to my heart.

GOD’S BEST ACCORDING TO ME
Written March 7, 1993, One year before God’s Big Reveal
By Lori A Alicea

As I sit and ponder,
And search to see.
What truly is God’s best,
According to me.

It all comes to mind,
In my quiet place.
I begin to know him,
And sense his face.

He’d have a beard,
Kept up each week.
To be ever soft,
Against my cheek.

He’d stand so straight,
But not too tall.
And have arms of strength,
To protect us all.

He’d enjoy the laughter,
And enjoy the peace.
And enjoy it with measure,
That never would cease.

He’d be so excited,
About the children I’ve known.
And would treasure their being,
And make them his own.

He’d be the likeness of Christ,
And bear his name.
And be the priest of our home,
Just the same.

He’d cover me with prayer,
At the start of each day.
And I’d feel his compassion,
By the words he’d say.

And more important than ever,
More important than me.
Would be his race towards Jesus,
And the heavenly.

And all this is beautiful,
What a dream he’d be.
But this is only God’s best,
According to me.

My thoughts are so limited,
And ideas so few.
And all this together,
Would not be dreams come true.

For just as the heavens,
Are higher than the earth.
So are His ways far greater,
In value and in worth.

For it is he that knows my desires,
For only he can see.
What truly is his best,
For me.

And even though on paper,
My special needs I state.
I must allow the matchmaker,
To select my mate.

God is a personal God.

He cares about our thoughts and desires.

One year later

SUDDENLY ….

In a
SUDDENLY MOMENT

When you least expect, God shows up on the scene of our life.

In our waiting, may we wait with EXPECTANCY.
Be ever confident that God hears and answers our prayers.

And SUDDENLY God shows Himself faithful
By SHOWING up with His Best for my life.

David and Lori dating 1
IN A SUDDENLY MOMENT – LIFE HAS NEW MEANING

Song “Suddenly” by Billy Ocean
Video Courtesy of Brad Ebert

As wonderful as this “dream come true” appears, I’m mortified to say I almost MISSED and PASSED UP the best blessing of my life in David when I questioned God and his choice.  How dare me but I did.  Everyone in my life, especially my pastor, was aghast at my indecision.

God reveals His best after five years of waiting on Him yet I fought an inner battle waged on myself whether I could receive this amazing man into my life as well as my children’s.

Faith required me to believe what eyes couldn’t see.
My trust in God required blind eyes walking.

 Another song of my heart is written.

The War of My Own Will
By Lori A. Alicea

I toss and turn and try to sleep,
The night it seems so long.
I try and figure out myself,
To see what might be wrong.

But harder that I make it seem,
This mountain or this hill.
I know I’m fighting deep inside,
A war of my own will.

I see things as I know I should,
I hear His guiding voice.
But oh the path I’d rather take,
The trails of my own choice.

It all just seems so right to me,
The pieces I make fit.
But why can’t I rest peaceably,
And sleep a little bit.

The answers that He has for me,
No doubt will be all right.
But war of my own will goes on,
I can’t give up the fight.

My fight with Him will have to stop,
But who will have to die.
Though all along this fight is with,
One, Me, Myself and I.

He never makes me eat His will,
The restaurant is free.
This gentleman just holds the door,
And only waits for me.

I feel this way as others have,
I know I’m not alone.
For His own Son did feel the same,
His will He did make known.

For in Gethsemane He prayed,
In sorrow He did spake.
If it is possible for me,
This cup I plea you take.

The troubled Son was overwhelmed,
His face fell to the ground.
But in the midst of darkest times,
No chains would make Him bound.

For He did yield His life to Him,
To save the life of mine.
When with His lips He spoke these words,
“Yet not My will but Thine”.

To be like Him, the war would end,
The peace that would be still.
The only words my Father wants,
From me is, “Yes I will”.

After much prayer and repentance, I’m at peace to embrace a new chapter in our life.

David and kids little

Two months after our first date on Valentine’s Day, David and I became engaged and married eight months later on October 15, 1994.

David and Lori Married

Becoming a family of six, blending lives and hearts meant years of God touching and healing our brokenness in discovery of a new beginning for all of us.

Family at Wedding

God is so good and faithful.
You can trust Him.

During the lonely five years of my wait and wonder,

God was writing our love story.

I couldn’t see it.

I couldn’t imagine it.

But in the silence God was singing a song on our behalf.

He was preparing our new beginning.

We just had to wait for it with great expectancy.

“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”[a]
the things God has prepared for those who love him—
1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV

David my love,

YOU WERE SO WORTH THE WAIT

David Lori Wedding Pics 001

28 YEARS LATER

We are still
Living Happily Ever After
David and kids grown

Family Grown Up

SOME WEDDING FUN

Twenty-eight years ago bride and grooms couldn’t afford the high cost of videographers; our wedding included.  David and I just wanted to get married.  All the extras came as love gifts from the hearts of family and friends.

Our sweet nephew Adam, all of twelve at the time, blessed us greatly when on his own initiative visited guest after guest at the reception to record wedding wishes from them to us with a hand-held recording device called a Talkboy.

Listening to these well wishes the “old fashioned” way, I captured a few of them for our delight as parents cherish hearing their children’s voices from twenty-four years ago.  Included are a few family members as well.

Have grace for the misgivings of old technology.

wedding 001

Our nephew Adam / Well Wishing Recorder

wedding 004
Daughter Candace’s Well Wishes

wedding 006
Son Jake’s Well Wishes

wedding 002
Daughter Audra’s Well Wishes
(I guess I’m an aunt now…lol)

wedding 007

Son Nathan (No Well Wish Recorded)

Nephew Adam / Well Wish Recorder

Nephew Adam / Recorder stopped any Well Wish that wasn’t PG rating with this:


Nephew Adam / Recorder even got comments from the little ones

wedding 005
Brother Joe’s Well Wishes

THE DIVA IN YOUR FAMILY! By Lori A Alicea

There’s a Diva in every family.

You know who she is.
She knows who she is.

You can’t help yourself but feel the love when Diva enters the room, as her little girl on the inside lights up and takes center stage as well as your heart.2 disney ears 6

Diva’s live to the full for which we might want to take notes from her effervescent personality.

Divas are confident and self-assured in her lane, with “Minnie Me” watching and keeping score.

Diva’s stand out among the crowds who notice her on and off the field as a cheerleader in the stands of this game called life.

She loves to laugh and for whatever reason, others embrace the fun no matter their age.

Wherever Diva goes, the little girl who refuses to grow up is following along as well.

Adults, who left behind their wonder and fascination in a child’s toy chest, can reacquaint themselves with their inner child again by hanging out with a Diva.

Diva’s love the spotlight and why not?

Where there are dark clouds and gloomy skies in a person’s day, why not be a bright star to cheer to them up.
5a winter 2

Oh risk the fun and take a ride with a Diva.

You’ll discover your happy place the moment you take your seat.6 amusement park

Class is always in session with a Diva.

Their cuteness is contagious and these little Diva Darlin’s graduate in the Sciences of Smiles.

There’s a Diva hidden in all of us.

You’ll find her crowned in “bows and sparkle”, even among our furry friends;

Celebrating each other on Diva Day.

Look no further than your own back yard for a Diva.

A lamppost of love that never dims…

A fountain of joy which never runs dry…

A smile for days…

A ride for a lifetime…

Someone who brings out the best in all of us…

A song was even written with a Diva in mind…

(an excerpt)

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.

Well it’s you girl, and you should know it,

With each glance and every little movement you show it…

Love is All Around
By Sonny Curtis

Intro song to Mary Tyler Moore show
(Made famous when I was a teenager)

11 winter 1

I must confess, this blog is a request by my Diva daughter for her birthday we recently celebrated a few days ago on January 18, yet Diva birthdays last for days.8 mom and daughter

Divas are confident in what they want.

Quite opposite of her mother, I laughed when she blurted her request without blush.  But how could I refuse?  My daughter blessed me in the asking.

While I could write a book about the amazing mother my daughter is to her three children, living in color with them through the traditions she’s created throughout the year, the illustrations of memories they’ll keep for a lifetime.

This childlike gift about my daughter is one of the characteristics I most hold dear about her. She opens my eyes to see the world from a little girl’s point of view, always at play, enjoying her life.

If my Diva daughter bottled this recipe which holds the world captive in her hands; she’d be rich.

Although, we’re all rich aren’t we when we celebrate the love, the laughter, the joy and the smile in each of us.

Because…

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.

Well it’s you girl, and you should know it…

By Sonny Curtis

A TABLE SET BEFORE US! By Lori A Alicea

During the joyous season of the holidays, we all find ourselves sitting in a seat at a table set before us.

Taking our seat where every place setting represents a life in the family, friendship or meaningful relationship around the table.USE 2018 alicea xmas kids 14

While Hallmark movies present a picture perfect table for the holidays; in reality, the table of gathering is uniquely set from every heart of the home.USE xmas table

The simplicity of our father’s Christmas table served homemade cookies and cakes prepared from the hands of a widower of many years.

Missing my father and his modest traditions so terribly, I continue to drive by his house every December 24th in the evening, opening the greeting card of Christmas past from across the street, reminiscing through the kitchen window and listening for laughter still baked in the walls when we daughters shared a few hours with dad around his table.

In mother’s later years of life in the nursing home, we girls would join her and the other residents and their guests for a Christmas meal together.

The love of the host overflowed onto her decorated tables for those she served everyday throughout the years, regardless that many of the residents had lost their capacity to appreciate the thoughtfulness in her details.

But God sees the unnoticed and receives it all as if you had done it unto Him.

Somebody loved our mother as we sat with her around the table those remaining December’s of her life; a gift we will treasure for Christmas’ to come.

Some tables set in December have a few tears of sadness sprinkled with the faux snow spread around the winter centerpiece scene, when those seated next to them are thousands of miles away in thought with those they’re unable to be together with during the holidays.

One Christmas, our son ate his holiday meal on the other side of the world from us, actually a day in advance from us while serving his country in the military; although the miles were bridged when a homemade gift from our officer’s hands arrived in the mail the day after Christmas.

A mother’s heart was full during a long and lonely year she hadn’t hugged her son for months.

How do you set a table of Christmas for a mother you’re unable to reach when the doors aren’t opening to visitors?TABLE Ate Alone

Where do you find the magic of Christmas when mother’s seat at the table is void of her being; well, at least at her earthly table? Mother found her reserved place at heaven’s banquet table the moment she opened her eyes to Jesus.

Mother’s presence remains in the traditions she created for her children and grandchildren, and in her seat at the card table I now sit at when she left us for a better place.  

My husband and I are like little children waiting to wake up on Christmas morning together, believing God to redeem the season from one year ago when David ate his holiday meal from the tray of his hospital bed, while separated from me as I sat alone at my table that December evening because of sickness too.ava at xmas

Regardless of every table set before us…

Christmas will always be about a baby born in a manger, and the joy that filled the earth when our Savior cried for the very first time in His mother’s arms.

God is faithful to us during the holidays, and every day.

God is near to the brokenhearted whose covenant love will reach a thousand generations.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. Deuteronomy 7:9 NIV

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIVUSE church

For Christmas this year, I’m setting tables.

While I love the sparkle and twinkle of a beautifully set table, I won’t miss the unexpected opportunities to set a table of simplicity as my father once did for us daughters each Christmas Eve, serving cookies and love on a plate for those seated around his table.

USE xmas at dads

LEAVING THE ISLAND By Lori A Alicea

All I had was twenty-one days to unpack those stowaway hugs and kisses with not a moment to spare.  The pendulum of a grandmother’s clock would sway and tick in perfect harmony with the seconds I had remaining with those four precious grandchildren I flew ten hours over the ocean to see.

B45D70B3-11B0-4489-B961-4939CFF0188B

Such has been the the life while visiting my military children and grandchildren, where an hourglass of sifting sands measures our borrowed time together; a constant vigil in plain sight from the mantle of a grandmother’s heart.

The mirror of our portraits taken reflects the passage of more than a decade, yet fails to reveal the months we’ve sadly missed and spent apart due to the long and winding miles which separate.

growing up dc kids

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But following your military family from “move to move” has given me a Tom Sawyer adventure I wouldn’t have sought out on my own.  The orders of our officer son has taken him from the mountains to the islands, with the nation’s capital in between; and this grandmother has been blessed to go along for the ride.world jake and baby cova with mountains behind 1

england jake surfingThe islands have been a page torn and written from a place so different than my own.  Most kids ride their bicycles to school; or walk the twenty minute stretch each way as I did with my grandchildren.  Shoes are optional (seriously); at church, at school, even at Starbucks and chickens run freely and are an unassuming part of the landscape as squirrels are where I live.

The breathtaking view of our son’s back yard is the once-in-a-lifetime sandbox for our grandchildren.  The memories they’ve made with a pail, a shovel and an afternoon in the sun.

286134FD-D3C2-4432-8572-B71AA939D559

The islands haven’t been my favorite place to visit, but now as the moving boxes are being packed once again, I’m almost sad for myself that I failed to see the beauty of this tropical place.

My private moments along the sandy shores of the ocean will be terribly missed as the music of the waves comforted my lonely soul when I longed for those missing me on the mainland.  This song will forever play in my mind.The final sands of the hourglass have all sifted into a mound of borrowed time and the pendulum of this grandmother’s clock has struck midnight for the final evening with my military babies.
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In a few short hours they will walk far from my view and even further from the reach of my hugs.  The thought is almost unbearable at times.
C29C4BDB-FA2E-47B1-AA79-F994C1B43437

I went to each of my babies rooms to have one final moment before kissing them good-night. 

How do you keep it together when your little boy begs you to stay for five more weeks? 

My oldest granddaughter had no words but her moistened eyes spoke volumes.

Then there’s those little girls who didn’t really understand I was leaving until they woke up crying when they couldn’t find me that following morning.

The dam of my heart almost burst at the airport when my son inquired how the kids did during our final good-by.  But the floods overtook me as I gazed out the window during an early morning phone call with my husband, wishing for a return flight into my grandchildren’s arms.
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With layovers and connecting flights, I arrived back home on the mainland almost a complete day later (at least it seemed), with a bit of my husband’s heart waiting for me upon my return.  I wouldn’t see him until later that afternoon when our reunion took place in the parking lot of his work.
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The void of my heavy heart will linger for days until I reacquaint myself with the daily steps of my routine. 

I long though for the island where my Hawaiian babies continue to live at their new address until next summer.  The thoughts of my grandchildren will consume me until I release them back to God and reach for His peace until we are back together once again for an hourglass of borrowed time.

My son’s new orders will relocate his family in a few short months and the Tom Sawyer adventure of this grandmother continues, wherever the military ride will take me.7CAA05CD-0A2B-4F87-A44A-82BF525E163C

MAYBE NOT A PERFECT LIFE…By Lori A Alicea

Seems like a lifetime ago when you consider all the growing, the milestones and memories I’ve missed.

Such is the heart of this long distance grandmother who yearns for more than summer visits with those heartstrings; her military grandchildren who each share something special with her; a middle name, green eyes, writing giftedness, or even a sassy attitude to laugh about.

I’m beyond thrilled to be back on this island after a year away from my military son, daughter, and four grandchildren, hoping to fill up as many photo albums as possible in the short three weeks I’m here.

Upon my arrival, I’ll pull out the bookmark from the last chapter of time we shared together as a family. But it almost makes more sense to start fresh from the blank pages of a brand new book, as my grandchildren continued to write their story chapter after chapter beyond the paragraph I boarded the plane for home one year ago, while a grandmother kept her place in the book with those four sweet faces she sadly kissed goodbye to.E23DB298-C57F-4A9A-9A98-C6A6FFF05DA4There are rules when Gaga comes to visit.

My daughter is off the clock from cooking, laundry, driving to practices, only to fill her schedule with hair and nail appointments, coffee dates and whatever else she desires.

For three weeks, every question my grandchildren ask ends with a yes.

“Gaga, can you make homemade chocolate chip cookies for my soccer team’s snack day?”  “Of course I can!”

“Can you watch me practice for soccer even though it’s raining?”  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

”Gaga, Watch me climb this tree.”  “Just long enough until I get a picture.” D6D6CD0C-0FDB-4DC1-884C-CFD3F1B1A4DE

The two little girls would rather me pick them up from school and us three walk together all the way home in Hawaii heat, with me trusting a five-year-old and seven-year-old to lead the way, including short cuts through a shady alley…. It’s comedy hour every afternoon on our walks home together. Oh, the stories they tell.

Not knowing the island, my nine-year-old navigates the way home from soccer practice, in the dark.

There are swim lessons.

There is Sunday service at church sitting side-by-side with my children.

There’s jujitsu practice for all four kids, multiple nights a week. FC0F402B-0269-4205-B480-D0D212426E75

There is quality time around the table eating dinner; the hour I treasure most, especially conversations with my son whom I miss so much throughout the year. 8E2FA8AB-98C1-44B0-99EB-5681BEC91011And all those favorite homemade meals I pack the freezer with, so my daughter continues her staycation for at least a week after I depart.

Something I do for myself and by myself, are those quiet moments with God, sitting along the shoreline, listening and relaxing to the soothing music of waves that crash and wash against my feet. 954EC818-7517-48D6-8575-F329306523E5My mind wanders back to the mainland where my handsome love is patiently waiting my return; missing me as much as I am missing him. We are so thankful for technology during these separations, as FaceTime bridges the lonely miles. 36945941-3F3D-4A67-811E-1192E2F91CD0Long distance grandparenting has a steep cost, and this is one of them.

You don’t get to pick and choose a perfect life; yet we are given the opportunity to mine the gold of blessings God has hidden for each of us to find.

A journey of contentment leads to the blessed life, not necessarily the best life the world says you deserve.

My military grandchildren don’t have access to my cookie jar of homemade treats, but I sure load up the suitcase each time I visit.

I wish my military family sat around the kitchen table for Sunday dinner with their siblings and cousins, but I can leave the freezer full of homemade love before the airplane takes me “home away from their home” once again.

While it’s true, you don’t get to pick and choose a perfect life, but I choose to find the peace, love and joy in a long distance life I have as a grandmother.E23DB298-C57F-4A9A-9A98-C6A6FFF05DA4

HAND IN HAND Thru the Years!  By Lori A Alicea

In two short days we’ll celebrate twenty-eight years of wedded love between us.

We married on Sweetest Day one crisp afternoon in October when our lives and the seasons were changing harmoniously together with the brushstrokes of fall color as our portrait background.

Ever since our wedding day on October 15, 1994, each day as husband and wife has tasted sweeter than the day before.USE 1 a wedding 3

HAND IN HAND thru the years, we’ve faced whatever came our way while holding onto each other; as two are better than one.

Locking arms with God, we’ve completed our three stranded cord not easily broken against the fiercest winds life can hurl across your bare face.

Two are better than one…
Ecclesiastes 4:9 NIV

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIVUSE holding hands 1

HAND IN HAND as we cross the threshold of marriage milestones, we look to our left and once again to our right and give thanks for the cloud of witnesses who’ve walked alongside, cheering and encouraging us in the Lord thru the years, while the third strand of our three-stranded cord has been faithfully holding us close to Himself.USE 1 walk

HAND IN HAND thru the years at the altar, we’ve stood in agreement for the power of God in our lives; clinging to desperate prayers that the curious eyes of our grandchildren are watching and grabbing hold of the marriage example their Papa and Gaga are setting before them, however imperfect we are.

For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.
Matthew 18:30 NIV

USE 2 altar

HAND IN HAND in marriage we laugh and enjoy the lightheartedness of those unexpected moments one didn’t see coming.

God gave us the ability to smile, to grin, to find humor in the “nothings” and enjoy an abundance of laughter which takes your breath away ‘till it hurts.USE 3 laughter

HAND IN HAND thru the years you’ll find yourself dancing to the silent music played from the phonograph of your love story, swaying back and forth to the heartbeat of two people crazy about the other.

The teacup of what we share together spills over and splashes into the cups and saucers of others close enough and wanting what you have.

HAND IN HAND with family, we pray our children and grandchildren hold onto each other and continue the traditions we’ve built with them beyond the presence of our lives.USE 6 family dance

May each and every one of our grandchildren hold tight to the love we’ve poured into them…USE 7 england kids

May they be the biggest cheerleaders for each other as we have sitting in the grandstands of their lives…USE 8 girls

May they walk HAND IN HAND along the pathways to their God-given purpose, because…

Two are better than one…
Ecclesiastes 4:9 NIVUSE 9 girls 1

Thru the years, may the bridge between those miles which separate addresses always be a two-way street, leaving the light on in the window as a welcome mat for every unsuspecting knock on the door.USE 10 kids in Hawaii Twenty-eight years ago we walked down a wedding isle into a dream come true.

A fairy-tale we didn’t expect to be ours, yet still thanking God for the sleeping one we smile and gaze upon in the middle of the night after all these years.

Marriage will always be for keeps when you refuse to let go of the hand you promised to hold for a lifetime.

In looking behind us, I thank you David for twenty-eight glorious wedding anniversaries we’ve shared together.

With the world before us, there’s still much to be discovered as husband and wife.

I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather share my life with,

Than HAND IN HAND thru the years

With You…

USE holding hands

HE SEES THE ONE! By Lori A Alicea

Lord, if there’s anyone I need to meet today,
I trust you will arrange it.”

I pray these simple words every time I enter the grocery store, craft store, gym, or wherever I’m at during my day.

People masquerade their pain with fake smiles and one might never know which person is hurting, in need of an encouraging word, a timely prayer, a simple hug or smile; but God does.

Shoulder to shoulder” among the crowds
He sees the one.

The sparrows fill the skies and yet
He sees the one which falls…
(Matthew 10)

While never losing sight over us, the one.

The conference I attended recently hosted over five thousand women who traveled from all corners of the world, gathering around a central theme that

Heaven Rules
In every situation of our lives;

A ministry I began listening to for encouragement during my lunch hour as a young, single mother raising two small children.USE nancy

In the midst of a vast multitude, I believed for divine appointments with the one.USE CROWD 1

Lord, if there’s anyone I need to meet today,
I trust you will arrange it.”USE linda

An hour before each session that weekend, I volunteered to be a greeter among the crowds.USE greeter

Believing my job description was smiling, welcoming and taking group pictures of others by the photo walls…USE TEAM 1

I was caught off guard when women began asking questions of all kinds, for which I had no answers…

Directions to sessions taking place all over the convention center…

Directions to restaurants and coffee houses located in the surrounding city…

Questions spoken in languages I didn’t understand…

It would have been more accurate if my GREETER button actually said,
DON’T ASK”…

After I sent a woman looking for a Spanish speaking prayer room to the nursing mother’s room instead…

When all I could do was smile and aimlessly point a group of hungry women to the food courts outside the front doors…

When I walked an elderly woman already out of breath down the long corridors to her next session, only to find us both in front of a dead-end section of the convention center…

You laugh over the blunders.

While being encouraged and reminded by a friend over coffee,

Sometimes our wrong ways lead us the right way to a divine appointment.”

I think she’s on to something.

I continued to pray for the one that weekend.

It was a scavenger hunt for a needle in a haystack among five thousand women; but God knew the one.

He was about to introduce the three of us and reveal how intimately He knows us as the one.

Seated beside two sisters during a breakout session, I introduced myself and inquired of their “highlight moment” thus far.IMG_7002

One sister turned to the other sister smiling and rejoicing over their time spent together after a year’s lapse since they last saw each other.

During the course of our short conversation, we realized the younger sister and I lived thirty minutes apart; with the churches we attended down the road from the other.

Only to discover the younger sister was a bus driver at the same school my husband’s brother Joe and sister ‘n law worked.

I asked if she knew them.

A moment of silence as the older sister looked into the eyes of her sibling;

A gesture I believed had deeper meaning than they conveyed.

The face of the younger sister turned my way as she quietly spoke,

I sat in awe during Joe’s three hour funeral, one year ago last summer.”

How timely our meeting; on Joe’s birthday, now celebrating in heaven.

Only God knew why three women were destined to meet from the five thousand among us.USE CROWD 1

I shared my prayer with two siblings sitting next to me three hours from home, so they could sense the divine appointment God orchestrated for us, the one,

Lord, if there’s anyone I need to meet today,
I trust you will arrange it.”

Yes, God does hear our prayers; written, spoken or hidden inside our hearts.USE prayer requests

I left a convention with question marks in my journal regarding this divine appointment with two sisters.

While being satisfied with the “need to know basis” we have with God.

I left a convention re-playing over and over my highlight reel…

Among the crowds and multitudes,
God keeps an intimate watch over me,
The one.